Several years of marriage have taught this ranch wife a thing or two.
My husband, Jim, and I recently celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. All I have to say is, “Ha — told ya we’d make it!” Actually, I have a few more things to say. Here are some lessons I’ve learned during 1.4 decades of marriage.
Never pass up a chance to say, “I told you so”
The bigger his or her mistake, the more your spouse will appreciate hearing these four little words. For long-married couples, the same effect can be achieved with a simple eyebrow raise.
If time allows, launch into a lengthy monologue detailing the events that led up to your spouse’s being wrong and your being right. The more details, the better. Tell him exactly how he should have held the reins so his horse wouldn’t buck. Inform him how he should hold that cranky horse’s foot so it doesn’t kick while he’s shoeing. Don’t offer too many details, though, or he might ask you to show him yourself.
If you find your spouse is no longer in the room, don’t be deterred. Continue lecturing. They will eventually have to hear you out, especially if you strategically placed yourself in front of the door to the only bathroom in the house.
Pray for each other
At first, the two of you will likely lift up sweet sentiments like “God, please protect my husband while he is at work today and bring him safely back home to me,” and “Lord, thank you so much for my wife. She means everything to me.” As the years, children and facial wrinkles accumulate with alarming rapidity, it’s normal for those prayers to evolve into “Dear Lord, please help me to not pick up that shovel and use it to test the hardness of my dearly beloved’s skull,” and “If you would only grant me the patience to sit through another lecture on the pros and cons of rubber frogs as they apply to bass fishing, I won’t even complain when the children fight tomorrow. Well, I won’t complain until lunch. How about an hour after breakfast?”
Learn to fight fairly
Then contact me with details ASAP. While you’re at it, what’s the secret to ensuring that every wet towel is picked off the bathroom floor? What’s the status of that house with the self-cleaning kitchen? Have they invented a head rope that never kinks?
Smile, darn it
Years ago, Jim looked at me one evening while I was washing dishes on a blistering hot July day in a house with no air conditioning and a baby strapped to my back. He asked, “Why do you have that smirk on your face?”
“I’m not smirking,” I replied. “I’m making myself smile. I find it makes unpleasant situations better.”
“It’s kinda creepy. Could you stop?”
“So, you’d rather start seeing my real expression every morning while I clean the floor, my feet, and the bottom of a child who didn’t make it to the bathroom in time before I’ve even had a sip of coffee?”
“Point taken. I like the smirk.”
Insist on a picture-perfect proposal and wedding
An over-the-top proposal followed by the most romantic, fairytale-esque wedding that your friends and family have ever attended is an absolute must-have event to ensure a long, happy marriage.
If he isn’t down on one knee offering a diamond ring that seriously jeopardized his ability to feed and house himself for the better part of eight months and she isn’t having heart palpitations as her shaky left ring finger and soon-to-be-married brain connect the dots, then … it doesn’t really matter.
A wedding and subsequent marriage are about so much more than the perfect dress, fresh flowers and a five-piece band. Marriage is about exploring the deepest parts of your innermost selves together. It’s discovering that he stops breathing when the TV remote dies, and she plots a course around a grocery store like a drunken pirate. The secret to a lasting marriage is learning to administer CPR while changing AA batteries and practicing deep-breathing exercises in preparation for your fourth trip through the produce section.
